Been Such A Long Time; I Forgot That I Was Fine

So now that I have gotten over that last attempt at a relationship, I am ready to begin again. The first step was making my body look phenomenal. Thanks to the Insanity workout, I look great. I have dropped two suit sizes, and the heads are turning.

Step #1: When you look good, you feel good.

I am on my second month of the workout and it is coming along nicely. The new person in my life will be happy with the results. I have also been buying some new clothes to go with my new body. It's hard to look good when your clothes don't sit properly on your hot body.

I've even noticed that I smile more now too. It's a happy day.

The next stage in my progress has been to put myself out there more. I am meeting new people, opening myself up to dates and good times.

Step #2: If you aren't out in the world, it passes you by.

So far I have flooded the market with the news I am available and the consumers are breaking down the doors. I still don't know what to do with any of them, but as long as I keep talking, I'm still in the game. I have to be aware that I tend to shut down eventually and focus on my professional life. I have to make sure that when things start moving along I don't jump ship first chance I get.

A thought occurred to me the other day why I always do that: I have trust issues. In my entire life there is only one person around that I wholeheartedly believe. When we talk I feel special and loved without a doubt in my mind. There isn't anyone else is my life that has ever made me feel that way. Why? I don't really know the root of that yet. I've just never really felt that these people in my life are there for genuine reasons. I always seem to think that the only reason they are with me is to use me ... take advantage of me ... and be rid of me when I'm of no use to them. It seems a bit sad, but it is what I think about with these people. That is what makes it so easy for me to separate from people. That's also what has kept me from truly exploring whether love is something I want to be a part of my life. I need to know for sure now.

That is why I am doing all of these changes. I need to know if things could work for me with personal relationships. This time if it doesn't work I will know for sure it is because I gave it my all (just as I did with my professional life and succeeded) and it just simply didn't fit me. Let's do this.

Don'tcallitacomeback.com!

To The One That Got Away

This weekend was a necessary evil. For those who never caught the dozen or so posts in August, let me summarize them by saying that I met someone, hurt someone, lost someone in that time frame. And I was not pleasant with my reactions at all. I have since removed the posts and will begin again in a less harsh light.

In a calmer state I realized something about myself that is very important in self-development: I am not a people person. Not just in the sense that at work I'm aggressive and confident, but to just people on the street I am intense and overwhelming.

It's a bit disappointing to see that I haven't escaped my own demons when it comes to being close to someone or displaying my feelings. It's a real hindrance to being a better me. I have to work on that.

Anyway not to go into too much about the whole situation, this weekend forced some deep revelations and hard-learned lessons. I'm still a work in progress. As long as I keep recognizing my problems I can start the process of fixing them.

I'montheroadtonowhere.org!

The Art of the Date

As I progress in my self-development I have to step back sometimes and realize that I have been detached from life for quite some time. I did not grow up in the traditional way. I grew up very quickly and, as a result, missed many chances to just be a kid. Dating is one of those adolescent stages that I completely glossed over. And it is a stage I am trying to incorporate into my life now with incredible difficulty. Let us review.

A date, to the best of my knowledge, is an outing with someone to whom you're attracted. Does that sound about right? Well I haven't really had one of those so the concept is beyond me. What have I been doing all these years? Having meaningless (but damn good) sex with strangers (mostly) just for the pleasure of it. No names, no numbers, no waiting, no dating. I get straight to it and do it.

Now to cut to the other night. I am on a date, and my date is smiling and nervous. We had been out together a year ago and it was nice. My date mentioned later that a kiss would have been nice but nerves stood in the way (not mine). This time would be different ... or so I thought. The nerves crept up again and the night ended with a hug.

Do you remember when you were a teenager out on your first date? Weren't you nervous and excited? Did you think about that first kiss and blush a little? Well that is what was going on here, but not for me. I don't feel those sensations. I don't really know what it's like to be nervous about a night out with someone. And I think in many ways it's sad. I couldn't appreciate the fact that the thought of kissing me could make someone that flustered. It's charming in many ways ... but lost on me.

I won't say that it's never happened to me. I have experienced that feeling once before. It was Thanksgiving 2007, and I do remember that nervousness. There was this complete anticipation and overwhelming excitement about the night. And in many ways it was the eye opener I needed. It was a sign that I hadn't completely lost my humanity as previously believed. I didn't realize it back then and for better or worse life has moved on to something different for the both of us. But I now have a reference to go on.

So I got to thinking about the date and this nervousness. I need to date more and experience this feeling. I've come to realize that the only way I'll find my happiness is to work backwards in my life and recapture those pieces that fell off. It's time I experience all those great moments of teenage dating that I could only observe from a comfortable distance of a cold heart. Only then will I understand life and its purpose. That sounds like a big leap, but really it's not. How can you understand life's mystery at the end if you didn't live enough to gather as much data as you could for your final analysis?

Today's lesson is about growing up. Don't try to do it so fast if you don't have to. I had to ... and it cost me the chance to hold someone's hand and get flustered, to blush from just looking into someone's eyes, to get nervous about a simple kiss. You have to savor every stage of life for as long it lasts. In the later years of your life, those memories are what become your most prized possessions ... And they are priceless. Oh the joys of innocence!

Kisssomeoneandblush.net!

Holy Matrimony Batman!

As I sit here tonight writing this blog, my brother is celebrating his wedding. It has taken so much to get to this point that I was inspired to write a life lesson. Breathe deep ... Here goes.

When I first heard that my brother was getting married, I only had one question for him: why? Now it is no secret that I am not a big fan of marriage. Over the years I have been witness to the for better and for worse, but rather than being until death parts the couple, it's been a longstanding scenario to watch a judge part them. So of course I had to know why he wanted to get married.

One year ago today my brother was on the brink of death. A horrible illness caused his entire body to shut down. Organs were completely offline; only his brain was still functioning. It was a terrible time for all, including his new spouse who at the time was dating my brother all of maybe 6 months. But this young man (yes, man) stepped up to the plate and was by my brother's side the entire time when it seemed he was at death's door.

Well, as you can gather from my story, my brother managed to make a miraculous recovery. And it was during this recovery that the reason for this wedding came to my brother's mind. Being that close to the end makes you appreciate people ... And that's exactly what happened. My brother realized that this man was the love of his life (Only weeks before the incident, I had a conversation with my brother where he described this man as "possibly the one.") and he couldn't live without him.

After everything that happened last year and the long road to recovery he experienced, I had no other question except for "When do you want me there?" As it turned out, I was the best man.

The wedding was a lovely ceremony (his spouse is Jewish so we had a Jewish wedding) and it was definitely clear that these two people were more than willing to share their lives with each other.

Marriage is made up of so many things, one of which is a longing to share and unselfishly give all you have to each other. If that story doesn't prove that these two should marry I don't know any other that will convince you. During their dance my mother leaned over to me crying saying that's the happiest she'd ever seen my brother in a long time. And she's right.

While I observed this wonderful ceremony, I had to think back on the people in my life. While I'm certainly not on the marriage track, I do believe in lasting relationships. There are people in my life who are special to me for a variety of reasons. And then there are others who drained my energy but I couldn't walk away. I'm sure everyone reading this could say the same thing.

So what's the life lesson? I think what I take away from this wedding and its symbolism is that one step to happiness and well-being is to reset your thinking on intimate relationships (that includes lasting friendships). The way to really find something that will last is to ask yourself this question: can I just live with this man/woman/friend, or is this someone I can't live without? I do have friends that are cool, but they certainly aren't long-lasting. And then I have road dogs that I could picture us old and cranky still down to ride. While I may not find that romantic love that I can't live without, having these lasting friendships certainly do fill my life just nicely.

So if you'll join me in a celebration tonight, I want to toast love ... the kind you can't live without. If you have someone in your life that fits that bill let them know in your own special way. That kind of love is the most valuable treasure on Earth.

Cheersherestolove.com!

Introduction

Whoever came up with the saying that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" must have been a psychic and saw my life story coming. The reason I am starting this blog is because I have lived a very interesting life thus far. In the beginning, there was the good life. It was joyous, filled with love, loved ones, and good memories. You couldn't have found a happier child than me. That was then; this is now. Now I'm cranky, selfish, damaged, and some could argue a bit slutty. But that is a part of my overall charm.

For the latter half of my life (up to the present), people have always come to me for advice. "Tell me what you think about this. What should I do about that?" Despite the many issues I have in my own life, people keep coming for more of my off-the-cuff, brash, homespun wisdom that rubs you just the wrong way. And it seems the advice must be helpful because they all keep coming back for more of it. So, rather than continuously waiting to solve a problem, I thought it was best to take everyone's advice for me and start dishing out the general rules of living a good life with a better you. You have to understand that life is sometimes hard ... hell, life is almost always hard. You have just got to laugh your way through it.

From time-to-time you will read this blog and find the most ridiculous ramblings you have ever heard. They will be politically incorrect, offensive, and borderline racist (if not completely racist). But just know now that if my words offend you that's because they are intended to get your attention; just read between the lines, because the lesson is in there hiding. You'd be amazed at how much you can absorb with a little distraction sneaking the knowledge in.

I want to dedicate this blog to those out there like me. You have suffered for many years, and although there are mostly bad memories to share, sharing them has been the most therapeutic part of your life. It is through sharing your tragedy and pain that comedy and joy can happen for others. And maybe somewhere in all this sharing you stumble on a little joy yourself.

As you read my blog from time-to-time, I hope you enjoy the stories and take away a little fun lesson while having a good laugh. So bring me your questions, comments, "outrageous objections," and concerns. If there's a story to be told, I will tell it. If there's advice that needs to be dished out, I'm the chef.

Letsdothisbitch.org!